I have always been a curious person, someone aching to explain that which I do not know. When I was in elementary, I went to a private school which did not teach at the same levels as public schools. One day the Hobart library was throwing away old textbooks, which I stole an algebra text. I studied it on my own time, and taught myself the magical world of complex math. Sometimes my grandma would have to take me with her when she took things to Hobart High school, and I would enjoy sitting outside of the classrooms in the spring and listening to the lectures that I had yet to experience. I learned new things, some of it I couldn’t wrap my mind around, but the point is: I learned.
While I was in school, I was also very active in church. I was drug to church every weekend by my grandma, putting on our Sunday best and pretending to be equals with the other more wealthy individuals who saw church more as a conversation topic, or a reference of character. I never fit in with the girls in my church classes, they were always more beautiful seeing that they were allowed to utilize things like razors, tweezers, and makeup and I wasn’t. I simply loathed myself for not being one of them. There were two boys who became my best friends because they had the same problems. One of them moved away and I haven’t talked to him in years, but we were very close. The other boy became someone who I would soon follow around like a lost puppy, and later compete with academically. He was a friend of the family, someone who lived across town but I never really got to be as close as I was with my other friend. Regardless, these two people made a world of difference to me.
After years or misery and persecution by the girls who I should have felt were best friends, I left the church and joined another. This new church was much smaller, but most of all they were a family, one that I instantly knew I would be a part of. I made friends, authentic friends, between the ages of preteen to eighteen. Once I felt at home with everyone, I became more involved with the church. I was comfortable asking questions, deep thought out questions I had for years but never had someone to answer. This was how I learned that I learn best in debate mode. I learned how to ask the right questions in the form of statements. This was the beginning of my shameless and repetitive questions asking everywhere I went.
Before I knew it, I was more active in the church than I could have ever anticipated. There was an amazing group of people who did human videos, and we got to go on a “tour” and perform for other churches. This was the most memorable time I ever had even if my mind was enthralled with a boy about half of the time. Young love, such fond memories. After becoming a voice in the church not just a seat warmer, one of my two friends from the other church came to the new one. I was thrilled, it could be like old times, but better because this time I had friends. A couple of years of tears and sweat and love and of course, human videos, I felt ready to explore a new feeling I wasn’t comfortable with at all: speaking in tongues. No matter what, I just couldn’t do it; I started to doubt myself, than doubt god. I began asking scientific question which was the wrong place to start knowing that religion and science don’t really see eye to eye. I still couldn’t find my answer; the closest I got was around the lines of: you have to fully give yourself up to a higher power and live perfectly and it will happen. I soon started thinking maybe it was because I had doubt in my life. This was about my senior year in high school. I completely geared my life to fit the requirements to make this a reality or have the experience. I remember when I was younger at the other church, I was prayed for and the preacher smacked me in the head a few times to knock me out in the spirit, and after a few times, I felt that I was being disrespectful so I fell and pretended to be unconscious until the person next to me moved. I also did the same thing for my initial problem, I would make funny noises (which actually took a lot of concentration believe it or not) so that I wouldn’t disappoint the person praying with me if it was someone with a proper title.
A month before I graduated, I decided that this was not working for me, I completely lived my life according to the book, I put aside all selfish thoughts and desires, and spent several hours of the day praying and meditating. I decided I wanted to take a day and explore all the things in my mind that may have been hindering me from gaining my ultimate goal: speaking in tongues. One of the major things I wanted to explore was Paganism. That boy who went on tour with us back in the early days left the church with a friend and he was a part of this coven I heard wonderful things about, so I gave him a call and he said he was actually with everyone from the coven and I could come over and meet everyone if I wanted. So I did, on a whim, about a half an hour after deciding to take the day off to explore and question the world around me.
That day, I filled an application to be a member of the group and didn’t step foot into a church in two years (which was a long time for someone who ended up being at church five of seven days in the week). <- that may be a slight exaggeration. Thus beginning the second chapter of my life.
While I was busy being pagan and enjoying not having any rules and regulations outside of my personal ethics, my heart still felt broken and I authentically missed the people who made the culture of my old church. I never told anyone this, because who would believe the girl with short purple and pink hair rocking a Manson shirt and some funky pants. I still do miss them, they are still a part of me, and helped me become the person I am today.
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